


you are so good for me (i love you, i love you, i love you)

by worry



Series: little bits of stardust [14]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Autism, Established Relationship, M/M, Polyamory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-24
Updated: 2016-10-24
Packaged: 2018-08-24 11:55:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8371384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/worry/pseuds/worry
Summary: The first time that Raphael hears the word autistic, Simon is rambling on and on about the newest Star Trek movie. The first time that Jace feels comfortable with being autistic, he's watching Simon and Raphael stim together.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [foggynelson](https://archiveofourown.org/users/foggynelson/gifts).



> So this was written specifically for Scott, foggynelson & autisticperalta on tumblr, because lun is absolutely THE BEST and I just!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah!! It's based on lun's autistic saphael fic series (which, btw, Rock) but then I thought: lun likes jimon and saphael..... hm..... WHAT IF....... so yeah! Yep! I really hope you like it <3

The first time that Raphael hears the word _autistic,_ Simon is rambling on and on about the newest Star Trek movie.

 

“Why didn’t we learn anything about Jaylah’s species?”

 

“Idris Elba – Idris Elba was _super hot._ And he’s such a great actor too! Have you ever seen Pacific Rim? Raphael, do we have to watch Pacific Rim together now? Raphael…”

 

“Okay, so I don’t usually think about this that often, but Raphael, _Spock and Bones._ Okay. Spock and Bones. Every single interaction they had was _golden._ Hey! We should watch The Next Generation together, too. Data is a lot like you.” He laughs. “Just kidding. Well. Kinda.”

 

“Oh – oh – _and_ they made Sulu gay! Like, they gave him a husband and a kid! It was so amazing. It was just – so amazing, I don’t even have words.”

 

And then he says, “Sorry, I’m probably infodumping here. It’s just… I’m autistic and Star Trek has been one of my special interests for, like, my entire life.”

 

Raphael loves listening to Simon talk; his voice is beautiful, light, and his passion for everything gives Raphael _hope._ It’s a reminder that there is something good in the world, and that good is in the form of Simon Lewis.

 

He’s in love.

 

He’s so deeply _in love_ that it almost hurts, but in the best way possible. He would give anything to be able to listen to Simon’s ramblings all day, whenever he feels like talking, because this means Simon _trusts_ him. But: clan business. Always clan business.

 

Damn clan business.

 

Here’s a list of TV shows and movies that they were _supposed_ to watch together:

 

  * Star Trek (“Every series, movie, and the reboot. It’s ”)
  * Brooklyn 99 (“One of my _favorite_ shows, Raphael. It’s the absolute ”)
  * Parks and Recreation
  * Girl Meets World (another one of Simon’s favorites – he spent ten minutes telling Raphael why relates to Riley Matthews and it was beautiful)
  * Star Wars, because of _course_



 

And the list goes on. They were _supposed_ to watch them together (with Jace, too, but he’s always off doing Useless Shadowhunter Stuff) on multiple occasions, but – clan business has always interrupted them.

 

Now, suddenly, Raphael is determined to find time to actually _watch_ Simon’s favorite TV shows, with him, alone in the dark.

 

To reiterate: Raphael is completely, totally in _love_ with Simon Lewis.

 

But he’s never heard the word _autistic_ before.

 

“What’s that?”

 

“What’s what?”

 

“You said you were autistic,” he says, “I’m confused. What does that mean?”

 

“Oh,” Simon says quietly, “well. Autism is a developmental disability. I have it – I can explain it to you if you want.” He laughs. “My sister has it, too. My mom used to call us superheroes, because she said it made us different but in a cool way.”

 

“I want to learn about it,” Raphael says. “If you’re comfortable with telling me.”

 

“Yeah, of course I am! I love you, _duh._ ”

 

* * *

 

Sometimes he likes to tap his fingers – on anything, on his arm, on tables, on chairs – like he’s playing a piano. It helps him when he’s frustrated, and it helps him express his emotions on the very rare occasion (Simon’s words, Jace’s words, _definitely_ not his) that he gets really, _really_ excited about things. It’s just a thing that he _does._

It’s called stimming, though, he knows this now. He always thought it was “weird”, he always thought he was supposed to hide it, but Simon held his hand and told him _dude, it’s okay, we all do it, you don’t have to be ashamed,_ and now Raphael feels – comfortable.

 

And the reason that he wears jackets is because he likes the texture of them, the weight and tightness of them. Simon told him that before he turned into a vampire, he had a weighted blanket, and that his favorite texture in the entire world is velvet. The pressure of the blanket, he said, was calming, and the texture feels _amazing, Raphael, you have to try it sometime, okay?_

Here are two facts:

 

  1. Raphael is completely in love with Simon Lewis.
  2. Raphael is pretty sure that he’s autistic.



 

Okay, more than “pretty sure”. It explains everything about him – his trouble communicating, the way he feels about certain topics, the reason that he struggles even today with his enhanced senses (sensory overload, Simon said, is a thing, and that’s why he can’t control his).

 

Raphael Santiago is autistic.

 

He repeats it over and over and over in his mind. Autistic. Autistic.

 

It feels right.

 

* * *

 

 

The first time that Jace feels comfortable with being autistic, he’s watching Simon and Raphael stim together.

 

It’s been a while since he’s been over to see them, much to Simon’s dismay (come on, Jace, you’re dating us, you love us, can’t the Shadowhunter stuff _wait_ for like a few days?), and Simon is on the bed in Raphael’s arms. Raphael is tapping lightly on Simon’s skin, and Simon is running his hands through Raphael’s hair – it’s _beautiful._ It’s the most beautiful thing that Jace has ever seen.

 

“Hey,” Simon calls, “come on, get over here.”

 

“I don’t know if I—”

 

“Listen to your boyfriend,” Raphael says playfully.

 

He smiles, slightly, at the calmness of it; they’re acting so open and wonderful about being autistic. Simon had called him on the phone the _minute_ Raphael told him about his discovery, and it made Jace feel so – _loved._ He loves. He _loves._

He takes off his shoes and lies down on the other side of Simon, who immediately pulls him closer. “Missed you,” he sighs. “I love you.”

 

“I missed you too,” Jace tells him. “So much.”

 

“How do you like to stim?” Simon asks. “You don’t really talk about it that often.”

 

“Wait, Jace…” Raphael says, and Jace knows that the words _is autistic too_ are hanging somewhere in the air.

 

“Yeah,” he admits. “Me, too. And… I don’t know. I never really thought about it.”

 

“Well, we’ll help you, if you want,” Simon says, and Raphael nods. “We really are all perfect for each other, huh?”

 

Jace – Jace  finally feels _comfortable._

Maryse and Robert had always been reluctant to talk about autism, regarding it as something only mundanes were allowed to have, but here, in their arms, he feels _comfortable with it._

He hums and hums and hums out of happiness, finally letting himself be open; Simon and Raphael are so _good_ for him, so caring.

 

Jace would be lost without this.

 

* * *

 

 

Clan business _and_ Shadowhunter business finally stop for a day, which _obviously_ means Star Trek movie marathon. Just… obviously.

 

Simon sits in the middle of them, holding Raphael’s hand and putting his arm, gently, around Jace.

 

It turns out that Star Trek is _amazing._ So interesting and captivating and honestly, Jace _loves_ it, and he loves seeing the ecstatic looks on Simon and Raphael’s faces whenever a character does something particularly gay.

 

Silently, he thinks, _shit, I have a new special interest._

Silently, he thinks, _this is good. They love me. They understand._

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! :0


End file.
